I'm bitter and envious.

I hate being up in the middle of the night all alone, realizing how truly miserable I am.

And how I'm stuck and I don't have an answer.

I think that every moment means more to me than to everyone else.


Maybe we all think that.

New Tumblr

http://jeugd.tumblr.com/

I don't even feel like I'm a photography student right now. It sucks that my number one priority is work so that I can make rent. Between my two jobs, I barely have enough time to get my assignments done, let alone do them the way I want them to be done. I can't go above and beyond what's expected of me. I don't have the chance to make a mark on my teachers. I don't get acknowledged for anything, anymore. My teachers don't see anything special in my work. I'm just average.

Last semester, I know I stuck out. That's because photography was an every day thing. Work didn't exist. I put all I had into working in the darkroom and taking photographs that actually took some effort. My teacher really liked my work and my classmates always had a lot to say too.

It just bums me out that it's all falling apart. Even though, I already made the choice to move home and take a different route, this is really important to me and I feel like I'm losing touch with this part of my life.

I don't know what it is about autumn that gives me sentiment, but I like it. Even though Florida barely produces any change in seasons - the really small changes are enough to totally flip my mood.

I've been on some kind of weather high for the past two days. My mood is almost impossible to ruin. I feel hopeful about the future, I've been doing more searching and discovering within the art/photo realm, and just generally feeling good.

It's weird though because there is definitely a contrast to that. I've been like 85% in a great mood and 15% totally thinking morbidly about getting old and falling off the face of the earth someday. Also, I've obviously been thinking a lot about my grandma, who passed away around this time last year. That will be tough to handle. I'm going to try as hard as possible to just embrace what she was to me and think of all the good times.

It really is remarkable what a change in weather can do to me, though. Summer = terrible.

I am totally okay with the fact that it's 60 degrees outside.

There is almost a 10 degree difference between here and PSL.

P.S.

I don't know why I'm such a spazz and have multiple "blogs" but here are some links to other things I spill into:

- http://www.photoblog.com/jeugd/
- http://blessant.blogspot.com/
- http://www.flickr.com/photos/yearz/

So, I talked to my parents today. My dad said that I can stay with him until I find a place of my own. My mom tried to talk me into leaving the pets at his house and living with her, but I already expected that and just told her no. Haha. She also tried to talk me into staying here and trying to make it work, but I expected that too and told her that if something works out in my favor, I'll stay but that it's not likely. I also told her about my new "direction" with school so she understands more why it's okay that I'm not finishing the program here.

So, now it's time to start saving for a moving truck and towards the future.

Everyone ends up back in PSL. Haha.

It's weird. I have a million butterflies in my stomach when I think about moving home. I feel like it might just be exactly the right choice at this point in my life. I know there are better things for me and better places for me to go with my life in the future. Home is my starting point. Saving money means more opportunity to travel and more time to THINK about what I want to do. Also, it's going to be a good foundation to start working independently. I have faith in myself for once.

Jillian and I have this weird parallel life thing going on. That's happened to me before with other friends, but never to this degree. Our pasts are very similar, our presents have been very similar, and I feel like our futures are similar. We are both going on home but I think we will both have awesome outcomes because we are looking towards success. I'm excited for both of us. I'm going to miss her like all hell.

The song I'm listening to isn't helping how sad I am now, thinking about her going away today. I'm definitely going to cry later on.

I wish I were better at everything.

I constantly feel like I've missed my mark.

It just hit me like a ton of bricks that its been almost a year since my grandma died.

I have so much inside of me that needs to get out.

Jillian did my hair today. I'm in love with it.


I'm also in love with Braindead all over again. I feel like to everyone else they are "okay" but they are honestly one of my favorite bands. It's been such a long time since I've listened to them so I'm stoked as hell right now, jamming out in my bedroom.

Been listening to a lot of Barriers Now Bridges too. Nostalgia.

Everyone knows how I feel about you, but do you?

I guess when it's right, you really can't fight it.

Downtown Deland (cooler then it gets credit for), frozen bananas on a stick for 98 cents, Super Mario World which I am very bad at, grape propel, quesadillas, Islam, Wetzels Pretzels, bearded lady, arcade hoppin, photobooth pictures, blingin' watch, delicious pizza and fries, more 30 Days, sleeping on the floor, Cone Heads ice cream, sweet bike shop, the end.

:)

I can't be surprised by a single thing anymore. My fingers will never be crossed again.

I'm gonna stand on my own two feet for once.

Breakdown starts now. Everything seems to be crumbling apart. I'm eating food that I don't even want to eat because I have no choice. I have ten dollars until the 4th and I'm borrowing 170 dollars from my dad to pay rent. I know this problem won't last but it isn't helping that it's going on right now.

I've been told that I'm young and I should just embrace being "single" or alone and able to do what I want and make my goals happen. But, I can't really grasp that. It goes beyond that. I feel rotten.

I don't like a thing about myself right now. The only thing that hasn't taken a major hit is my work ethic. I'm doing well at work but that doesn't necessarily bring me true happiness. I work in fucking retail. Big deal.

I'm at the point that if I saw myself in a dark alley, I'd beat the shit out of myself.

I don't know how to make this better.

I feel like I'm the girl that everyone wants when they can't have her anymore. I'm missed more than I'm cherished. It's always been that way. Fuck all of that.